Anything But A Dragonslayer

“I can’t kill dragons!”

“But you will kill dragons!”

The poor thing was dying.

Much as Hiccup hated to say it, that was the sad truth of the matter. It was young, and dying, and Hiccup couldn’t help.

The hatchling had been left at Helheim’s Gate when the dragons fled the destruction of their island, its wings crushed beyond healing by a falling rock. Hiccup could manage a repair for a small piece of dragon mechanics, but not a whole wing. Definitely not two.

No one would have found the baby if Hiccup hadn’t come in search of decent thinking room. The grotto had been that spot before, but then Astrid had shown the others where it was so they could find him if they got worried for his sanity, and now whenever they wanted to talk to him (which was, surprisingly, a lot of the time), they could disturb him at leisure.

No one knew he had come to the nest again. His father would call it unhealthy but be ultimately unsure of how to deal with the situation. Astrid would put another guard schedule on him, if not demand that he stay within her sight at all times. He almost died here, after all, and had lost part of himself trying to save his family, human and otherwise, when he wasn’t sure he could save himself. It was more than the foot, although he missed that, too. It was the piece of him that loved to run, even when it was borne of necessity. The piece that loved to climb the tree behind his house, because it was the closest he had come to flying before Toothless. The piece that loved to feel his toes pushing against the pedal of Toothless’s saddle. The place he’d lost that part was the only place he could remember what it felt like to have it.

Toothless curled around the maimed hatchling, his tail bumping gently against Hiccup’s knee. A sympathetic whine drummed from his throat. “I know, Toothless,” Hiccup sighed, absently stroking the baby dragon’s head.

He knew what had to be done. He didn’t like it--Thor Almighty, he hated the very thought--but leaving the defenseless thing to die by starvation on its own was just cruel. He’d gone over the options a thousand and one times, and it was the only decent thing to do.

Hiccup looked up from the sickly blue head. Toothless’s bright green eyes softened--he knew Hiccup’s opposition to the practice, the art, of dragon killing. He had seen his reluctance the first time they met face to face. But making death come quickly for the little one was only fair. Only merciful. And if Hiccup was anything, he was merciful.

“I bet you miss your mom, huh?” Hiccup’s thumb stroked the ridge above the baby’s eye. He sighed. “I miss mine, that’s for sure.”

Toothless nudged Hiccup’s back with his tale. He hated seeing the boy he loved so upset. But as the three cripples sat there together, Hiccup fell into a moody silence, each breath coming like a heavy thought.

Hiccup shifted his hand to Toothless’s tail. “It’s getting late, isn’t it?”

Toothless growled sadly but took the hint, nuzzling the tiny dragon’s limp wings one last time before shuffling to his feet and moving a respectful distance away. He watched Hiccup slip his knife out of his belt, holding it carefully as though he were about to take his own life rather than the young one’s.

“I’m sorry,” Hiccup whispered, shifting the baby to its side and positioning the knife for a mortal blow. The small creature whimpered feebly as the cold steel brushed his underbelly. “Odin,” he choked, eyes squeezing shut. He knew he had to do it, he knew it was the only decent thing to do, but he wasn’t a murderer! He--

The knife pulled back before he let himself think about it, and plunged into the small creature’s heart. It gurgled once before giving up.

Hiccup opened his eyes a crack. The hatchling laid on the rocks of the island shore, limp and unmoving. Blood trickled from the wound and stained the boy’s fingers a deep red--it never failed to amaze him how dark dragon blood was. Much darker than human blood, a substance with which he was all too well acquainted.

A nudge to his shoulder tugged him out of his thoughts. He turned and saw Toothless staring mournfully at him. The dragon nudged the baby onto its stomach again and rolled a rock from nearby to its head. Hiccup caught on and wordlessly began piling stones around the tiny corpse, creating a small memorial to one who hadn’t escaped at all. Suddenly, he felt both very lucky and very guilty all at once.

“I didn’t deserve to make it,” he whispered to Toothless, still on his knees next to the small funeral monument.

Toothless growled and nipped at Hiccup’s shoulder. Hiccup winced but didn’t try to move away. “I know, sorry.” Toothless nudged him again, catching a fold of Hiccup’s tunic in his teeth and pulling him up.

The metal foot clicked on the latch as he swung onto Toothless’s back--a move so habitual it was like breathing now.

He left a little more of himself under that pile of rocks.

-x-x-x-

“Hiccup!”

Astrid tackled him at a full run as he dismounted in front of his house. “Oof-- Astrid, what--”

She hugged him tighter and buried her nose in his hair. “Don’t you ever run off on me like that again! Where the hell were you--you weren’t in the grotto or anywhere and your dad didn’t know where you’d gone and we were so worried and what the hell did--”

“I killed a dragon, Astrid,” he said quietly.

She paused mid-rant, her mouth clicking shut while she digested the information. “Hiccup, that dragon was a monster, not like Toothless or--”

“No. Not the big one. A little one, just a little baby Deadly Nadder.”

“Oh.” Her face softened and warmed like butter left on a windowsill, as did her embrace. “I’m sure there was nothing else you could have done.”

“Its wings had been crushed,” he said, his voice dropping in volume with every word he spoke. “It couldn’t fly, couldn’t feed itself. Its family had abandoned it.”

A cripple, abandoned by his family. Astrid took a shaky breath--she could see how Hiccup related. “Hiccup, if you’re going into another one of those ‘I wish I had died when I had the chance’ episodes, tell me now so I can take you back to my place before sundown.”

“I had to stab it. It would’ve suffered. I killed a baby, Astrid. A baby.”

“You had a reason, and a good one. I bet its soul thanks you for saving it from suffering before it died.” She had no idea if that was true or even made sense, but it sounded good.

Hiccup held up his hands, covered in thick black scabs of dried blood. Dragon’s blood, Astrid realized grimly. “It was just a baby,” he whimpered, covering his face with his hands.

Astrid shifted into a crouch and gently pulled his hands away from his face. Tears had reanimated the dried blood, streaking the dark red across his face. His shoulders shook, though from the cold or his own emotions, Astrid couldn’t tell. “Come on, baby,” she muttered, the pet name she had given him during his first episode slipping out.

Toothless nudged Hiccup to his feet from behind and hummed questioningly at the blonde. Hiccup leaned against Toothless, still crying silently. Shrugging, Astrid gently maneuvered the thin Viking onto the dragon’s back and moved to sit behind him. “Come on, Toothless, my place.”

“I’m a killer,” Hiccup whispered as Toothless’s wings spread and lifted them off the ground. “A dragonslayer.”

Astrid’s arms wrapped around him from behind. “Hiccup, I want you to remember something. You are many wonderful things. You are a great friend, a great inventor, and a great person. And most importantly right now, you are anything but a dragonslayer.”

Author's note: Yes, I know it's HTTYD fanfiction. No, I don't own HTTYD, and I'm not making money off of this. Yes, Hiccup is suicidal. He has every reason, leave him (and me) alone.